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Toby

The day: Sunday

The date: La Cave du Vin. It’s literally in the basement of a much cooler bar. A hipster with a handlebar mustache appeared over my shoulder and recommended me a beer I didn’t like.

1. His name is actually Toby.

2. “I went to a little school in New York. Columbia. Ever heard of it?”

3. Went on Tinder during the date.

4. Said the word “gains” in reference to working out (so, gainz) more than one handful of times in the hour and a half we spent together.

5. Showed me his gym membership keytag. But what he was really showing me was the clunky car key attached to the keytag. So now I know he drives an Audi.

6. Made sure I saw how much the bill was. Made sure I did not see how much he tipped.

7. I didn’t like my first beer — a strawberry cider — so ever the gentleman, he chugged it for me.

8. Made more than one handful of jokes about fat girls. Which was funny because he kind of looks like one.

9. Said he wanted to “reverse-catfish” someone. Meaning: post ugly pictures on Tinder but show up to the date and surprise them by being really good-looking.

Stop it, Toby.

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