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Matthew

First of all, this guy led with “I’m a doctor.” You, sir, have piqued my interest. Tell me more. “A veterenarian.” Ooookay should have stopped at doctor. An animal doctor is the medical equivalent of, like, a dentist, or chiropractor, or a massage therapist. Read: not a real doctor. If you can’t prescribe me mood altering/pain relieving/euphoria inducing drugs you can an least lie by omission and lead me to believe you can.

M: Today was a lot of running. Luckily no major disasters. Crazy neighbor problems, but no puppy mama drama
Me: Do you really have a puppy mama
M: No. Both my bitches r spayed virgins

Ok, there are a few things wrong here. Not only did Mr. Matt use the phrase “puppy mama”* incorrectly, but who talks about animals like that? Like sexual objects? Oh, your bitches are spayed virgins? Tell me more about how you are only on Tinder out of curiosity and definitely not because you can’t have meaningful face-to-face interactions with anyone with less than four legs. And I may be going out on a limb here, but I’d bet any virgin that’s ever walked into an interaction with you probably walked out one, too, so don’t use that tone with me, mister. You are obviously into beastiality. Cue the part where I remind Matthew that pets are not people and dogs are not children and the fact that there was no puppy mama drama today means that sometimes there is and that’s fucking stupid.

Me: Tells M about a report I recently finished at work covering trends in the wood-plastic composite and plastic lumber industry
M: I prefer the feel of natural wood

Yea, I bet you do.
Stop it, Matthew.

*I take it to mean he bought a dog with a woman who is no longer his girlfriend or wife but they now share custody of said dog … not that his dog has a mother. All dogs have mothers. And if that was what puppy mama meant then why on earth would anyone have any puppy mama drama. Like, ever.

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