I feel I should preface this with the fact that, according to Ryan’s bio, he is a personal trainer who hangs out about 108 miles away from me in an unspecified direction. He has four photos, all of which are topless selfies but for the last one, which is a pet selfie. He not only has a tiny dog, but he takes photos with it. He is orange-tan, peanut-headed in proportion to his ‘roided out frame, his hair is perfectly gelled in each photo (leading me to believe he went to the gym those days not to work up a sweat or do anything productive other than to take pictures standing in front of the weight rack — that, or he showered and “got ready” afterwards so he could snap those shots) and he’s super hot in that I’m-a-shithead-and-I-know-it way you can always find milling around gyms these days. He does earn points, however, for not having a flat-ironed bandana wrapped around his forehead, as douches of his nature typically do. Now that you have some context …

R: You’re so attractive
Me: Thank you:) (yes, i used an emoji. don’t hate)
R: Tell me a secret Emma
Me: You first
R: I have a hidden piercing.

That was the end of our interaction, for obvious reasons. If you’re going to tell me about your dick ring from 108 miles away and expect me to think you’re actually here for “friendship” and “maybe something more” I’m going to a.) Unmatch your ass, and b.) Do it before i ever tell you anything about myself, ever.

Stop it, Jake.

PS If the piercing is real, Jake, take it out because ew. If the piercing is not real, Jake, stop telling people you have a self-inflicted hole through your pole. It’s not sexy and it’ll get your Tinder flame stomped the fuck right out.


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