W: So, if you don’t message first I’m assuming you don’t make the first move either? So  if I have a Cooler Ranch Dorito sitting on my lip you wouldn’t swoop in, get the chip and a little lip?

Um. Perfect. Aside from being a little bit frightened by the fact that he so quickly zoned in on the fact that I LOVE Doritos so much without me ever telling him, he also presented the most puzzling conversation starter I’ve yet to see. Is he funny? Is he weird? Does he ask everyone the same question and just go in assuming they love Cooler Ranch Doritos? That last one’s not possible — he can’t have asked this question before seeing as he’s still single.

Me: I’d like to say no, I wouldn’t. But Cooler Ranch Doritos tho …

Wes: Right answer. I’m employed, have a car, am considering getting a cat, live on my own and tend to be a great time regularly. What are you bringing to the table?

::challenge accepted::

Me: I too am employed, I have a car, no pets, I brush my teeth and hair twice a day (lie).

W: You are in great shape. You better not be vegan.

Ugh, dammit. This guy keeps getting better and better. No, in fact, I am not vegan. It was at this point that I tried to counter his compliment with a story about how I was catfishing him and am actually 250 pounds of flabby weakness. Rather than run in terror or say something horribly insulting, he offered me candy. What. a gentleman. 

Points off for being a ginger, but otherwise Wes, so far so good. Will update when things turn bad.


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