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Sam

I told Sam where I grew up as a kid. He shared his impression of my beloved, childhood fantasy playplace of a neighborhood without thought nor care as to how it would tarnish my pristine memories.

S: What beach were you at? (pet peeve: putting “at” at the ends of questions. just dont.)

Me: Lake Lucerne in Bainbridge. It’s where I grew up.

S: Growing up there musta been a good time! (pet peeve: the word “musta.” you know, since it’s not one.)

Me: It was the best:)

S: That lake is pretty nice too! (ok, getting exhausted by all the exclamation points now. but then he dropped the bomb …) I get a feeling like there is a lot of “swinging” that goes on w/ the adults. Everyone crushes bud lights and plays corn hole. It’s a big party.

Ok, FIRST OF ALL, seeing as I was a kid there, I definitely had parents there, too, and certainly don’t want to be imagining them participating in a swinger party. Disgusting.

Secondly, Bud Lights+Cornhole=Swingers? I thought that meant frat house, or camping, or pretty much my entire college experience. On the college note, I now get how Bud Lights and cornhole can involve a healthy amount of sleeping around, but swinging? Probs not. 

Hopefully he wasn’t trying to tarnish my idyllic, utopian childhood memories of the place, with the image of my parents and neighbors at a nudie block party swapping spit with each other like Pokemon cards and Pogs, playing games like cornhole and “who’s in my mouth.” To be fair, I never considered moving back to my old neighborhood much before anyway. But after a comment like that, consider my interest piqued.

Stay sexy, Lake Lucerne.

But Sam, stop it.

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Jason

From Buzzfeed’s list of “17 Made-Up Words all 20-somethings Need to Start Using

#5.) Tonirl (Toe-Nurl)

Someone who you’d swipe right on Tinder, but wouldn’t waste your time with if you met them in a bar. From the acronym, “Tinder only. Not in real life.”

So, basically all the people on Tinder are Tonirls. Particularly Jason, 30.

About Jason:

-I bet I can make you laugh. Try me. I love to laugh. Well, Jason, you did it. I’m laughing. Oh, you meant WITH you?

-I like having a good fun time but also spending good quality time together. Wild and crazy party days are in the past. That’s good, Jason. That’s really good. 

-Family and friends are important. Shutup this is Tinder

-Crossfit is awesome! Should have immediately swiped left here, as I typically do after any and all mentions of Crossfit, particularly involving exclamation points, unless there is a topless profile photo indicating it could be love. Taking photos and photoshop for hobby. Read: “Mom approved.” Love to travel, camping, and the outdoors. He uses an oxford comma. One more strike, buddy, and you’re totally out.

-Was in the army for 7 years. Love my career in IT. Talk nerdy to me.

-Don’t let a small distance scare you. Nope

-No hookups or flings. Dealbreaker

::Swipe right:: dammit.

J: Hello Emma. I usually message right away but was in Indiana with family and knew you would see I was 300 miles away and didn’t want you running for the hills because of distance. I live in Norwalk and work in Sandusky. I am going to be a little bias and tell you I am probably the biggest gentleman on Tinder. I won’t send any inappropriate pics or msgs. I truly want to meet somebody and know how to show and give love to the right person. Let me know if this all sounds good so far. Not the conventional way to open conversation but Tinder is not the conventional way to meet people.

A few things are going on here that led me to absofuckinglutely not respond to this douche. Let’s put aside the bio for now, that’s been addressed. Obviously I did not heed the glaring warning signs there, anyway.

Here’s what Jason said and what it actually means:

I work in Sandusky = I work at Cedar Point. Possibly around greasy food, definitely around greasy people.

I am probably the biggest gentleman on Tinder = I’m a pussy.

I won’t send any inappropriate pics or msgs = I am not the guy for you.

I know how to show and give love to the right person = the right person, so far, has only been my mom.

Tinder is not the conventional way to meet people = I really don’t know how this whole Tindernet works, but I’m ready to lose my virginity so I thought I’d give this a try.

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In the news

Apparently others have had some equally (if not more) wonderful experiences as I have on this delightful little application. Here is a little bit of Tinder in the news, brought to you by Buzzfeed and all it’s listy gloriousness.

 

http://www.buzzfeed.com/lukebailey/lol-tinder

“I met a up with a girl so we could watch Frozen together.

We actually watched Frozen together. She was disappointed and I was mesmerized, I’d never seen that shit before.”

She didn’t like Frozen?! Let her go.

 

http://www.buzzfeed.com/rossalynwarren/best-worst-and-weirdest-messages-tinder

“If you were a food you’d be Greek yogurt, know why?
Seven years bad luck if you don’t ask why!!!!”

“Why??!?!?!”

“Because I fucking love Greek yogurt.”

… a man after my own heart.

 

http://www.buzzfeed.com/lukebailey/things-people-say-about-tinder-defined

“31. Yeah, I’ve got a few matches I haven’t messaged yet = I used it while drunk, and dramatically lowered my standards.”

The struggle is real.

 

Up next: the dollface who asked me if he had a cool ranch dorito on his lip, would I “swoop in, get the chip and a little lip?”

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