I told Sam where I grew up as a kid. He shared his impression of my beloved, childhood fantasy playplace of a neighborhood without thought nor care as to how it would tarnish my pristine memories.

S: What beach were you at? (pet peeve: putting “at” at the ends of questions. just dont.)

Me: Lake Lucerne in Bainbridge. It’s where I grew up.

S: Growing up there musta been a good time! (pet peeve: the word “musta.” you know, since it’s not one.)

Me: It was the best:)

S: That lake is pretty nice too! (ok, getting exhausted by all the exclamation points now. but then he dropped the bomb …) I get a feeling like there is a lot of “swinging” that goes on w/ the adults. Everyone crushes bud lights and plays corn hole. It’s a big party.

Ok, FIRST OF ALL, seeing as I was a kid there, I definitely had parents there, too, and certainly don’t want to be imagining them participating in a swinger party. Disgusting.

Secondly, Bud Lights+Cornhole=Swingers? I thought that meant frat house, or camping, or pretty much my entire college experience. On the college note, I now get how Bud Lights and cornhole can involve a healthy amount of sleeping around, but swinging? Probs not. 

Hopefully he wasn’t trying to tarnish my idyllic, utopian childhood memories of the place, with the image of my parents and neighbors at a nudie block party swapping spit with each other like Pokemon cards and Pogs, playing games like cornhole and “who’s in my mouth.” To be fair, I never considered moving back to my old neighborhood much before anyway. But after a comment like that, consider my interest piqued.

Stay sexy, Lake Lucerne.

But Sam, stop it.



From Buzzfeed’s list of “17 Made-Up Words all 20-somethings Need to Start Using

#5.) Tonirl (Toe-Nurl)

Someone who you’d swipe right on Tinder, but wouldn’t waste your time with if you met them in a bar. From the acronym, “Tinder only. Not in real life.”

So, basically all the people on Tinder are Tonirls. Particularly Jason, 30.

About Jason:

-I bet I can make you laugh. Try me. I love to laugh. Well, Jason, you did it. I’m laughing. Oh, you meant WITH you?

-I like having a good fun time but also spending good quality time together. Wild and crazy party days are in the past. That’s good, Jason. That’s really good. 

-Family and friends are important. Shutup this is Tinder

-Crossfit is awesome! Should have immediately swiped left here, as I typically do after any and all mentions of Crossfit, particularly involving exclamation points, unless there is a topless profile photo indicating it could be love. Taking photos and photoshop for hobby. Read: “Mom approved.” Love to travel, camping, and the outdoors. He uses an oxford comma. One more strike, buddy, and you’re totally out.

-Was in the army for 7 years. Love my career in IT. Talk nerdy to me.

-Don’t let a small distance scare you. Nope

-No hookups or flings. Dealbreaker

::Swipe right:: dammit.

J: Hello Emma. I usually message right away but was in Indiana with family and knew you would see I was 300 miles away and didn’t want you running for the hills because of distance. I live in Norwalk and work in Sandusky. I am going to be a little bias and tell you I am probably the biggest gentleman on Tinder. I won’t send any inappropriate pics or msgs. I truly want to meet somebody and know how to show and give love to the right person. Let me know if this all sounds good so far. Not the conventional way to open conversation but Tinder is not the conventional way to meet people.

A few things are going on here that led me to absofuckinglutely not respond to this douche. Let’s put aside the bio for now, that’s been addressed. Obviously I did not heed the glaring warning signs there, anyway.

Here’s what Jason said and what it actually means:

I work in Sandusky = I work at Cedar Point. Possibly around greasy food, definitely around greasy people.

I am probably the biggest gentleman on Tinder = I’m a pussy.

I won’t send any inappropriate pics or msgs = I am not the guy for you.

I know how to show and give love to the right person = the right person, so far, has only been my mom.

Tinder is not the conventional way to meet people = I really don’t know how this whole Tindernet works, but I’m ready to lose my virginity so I thought I’d give this a try.


In the news

Apparently others have had some equally (if not more) wonderful experiences as I have on this delightful little application. Here is a little bit of Tinder in the news, brought to you by Buzzfeed and all it’s listy gloriousness.



“I met a up with a girl so we could watch Frozen together.

We actually watched Frozen together. She was disappointed and I was mesmerized, I’d never seen that shit before.”

She didn’t like Frozen?! Let her go.



“If you were a food you’d be Greek yogurt, know why?
Seven years bad luck if you don’t ask why!!!!”


“Because I fucking love Greek yogurt.”

… a man after my own heart.



“31. Yeah, I’ve got a few matches I haven’t messaged yet = I used it while drunk, and dramatically lowered my standards.”

The struggle is real.


Up next: the dollface who asked me if he had a cool ranch dorito on his lip, would I “swoop in, get the chip and a little lip?”



The day: Saturday
The place: Fairmount Wine & Martini Bar

Chris is in town visiting his mother, though he currently lives in Brisbane, Australia. He will be returning there next week. I’m looking forward to it. My father is Australian, like Chris’s daddy-o, which led into him saying “That’s the Australian in you talking,” every time I said something that was, apparently, Australian-sounding; like “I have tattoos,” or “I’ll take a vodka soda.”

1. He told me to wear something tight.
2. He’ll walk 3 miles each way for 3 beers and 1 shot, he said.
3. Drank 4 white wines to my 2 small vodka drinks.
4. Said he’d never taken a selfie before. Took a selfie on the date.
5. Said he could beat me in Jeopardy, followed by insisting I Google some Jeopardy questions for him to answer.
6. C: “I’m going to kiss you” *leans in*
Me: “Omigod no stop” *hastily covers mouth with hand*
C: “Why not? You’re chewing gum. That’s getting ready for a kiss”
Me: *hastily spits gum onto patio floor*

The day: Tuesday
The place: Panini’s on Coventry

Because I am a glutton for punishment, or some sort of weird social masochist, I agreed to meet Chris for the second half of the Tim Howard vs BEL World Cup game. I arrived and he was drunk, smoking like a chimney, sweating like a whore in church. It was otherwise fine until …

Chris said that soccer and football were very similar because they both have “plays.” Plays that often consist of team members looking for a hole to score through.

Yep. So pretty much every organized team sport on the planet is just like football. #shitammericanssay

Stop it, Chris.



The day: Sunday

The date: La Cave du Vin. It’s literally in the basement of a much cooler bar. A hipster with a handlebar mustache appeared over my shoulder and recommended me a beer I didn’t like.

1. His name is actually Toby.

2. “I went to a little school in New York. Columbia. Ever heard of it?”

3. Went on Tinder during the date.

4. Said the word “gains” in reference to working out (so, gainz) more than one handful of times in the hour and a half we spent together.

5. Showed me his gym membership keytag. But what he was really showing me was the clunky car key attached to the keytag. So now I know he drives an Audi.

6. Made sure I saw how much the bill was. Made sure I did not see how much he tipped.

7. I didn’t like my first beer — a strawberry cider — so ever the gentleman, he chugged it for me.

8. Made more than one handful of jokes about fat girls. Which was funny because he kind of looks like one.

9. Said he wanted to “reverse-catfish” someone. Meaning: post ugly pictures on Tinder but show up to the date and surprise them by being really good-looking.

Stop it, Toby.


Stop it Tinder, but not really

I downloaded Tinder last week.

I wasn’t sure if I should, because creepy, but a pretty girl that I once worked with said she was on it so I figured it was fine. I didn’t know what to expect, I didn’t want to tell anyone I used it, I was afraid to swipe anyone right, and I certainly was petrified I would bump into someone I knew on the Tindernet. What if everyone laughs at me? Quickly, though, I overcame those fears.

Tinder is an innovation in online speed dating that fills the most shallow, self-absorbed parts of me like HotorNot never quite could. I’d like to take this moment to point out that I have never swiped anyone right that was not an immediate match (toot toot), except for one time. The emotional damage of knowing someone I thought was hot didn’t think I was hot too quickly disappeared when a few short minutes later I was notified that he did, in fact, think I was pretty, he just hadn’t seen me yet. Match. 100% success rate. #winningattinder

Now, while I’ve only been playing Tinder for two short weeks, I have experiences I want to remember … forever. I’ve taken notes on paper, but this is 2014 and fuck paper. We are in the digital age: where notes are taken on computers, dating is done on iPhones, and 50-year-old men send topless selfies to unsuspecting 20-somethings because they think it will make me want to meet him in Chicago and “get dirty” with his sweaty, sunburned moobs. This page now exists so I can keep close record of all the hilarious, stupid, idiotic, embarrassing things people say when they think they’re being clever.

I often see pictures of men and wonder, “Why are they even on here? They can’t possibly have trouble getting dates.” But it rarely takes more than a few swift keystrokes, a minute or two of messaging, to know exactly why they can’t get dates. It’s because they’re idiots. Posting their lame (amazing) attempts at being clever is my 20-fucking-14, digital-age, paperless way of telling them to just stop it.