Sam

I told Sam where I grew up as a kid. He shared his impression of my beloved, childhood fantasy playplace of a neighborhood without thought nor care as to how it would tarnish my pristine memories.

S: What beach were you at? (pet peeve: putting “at” at the ends of questions. just dont.)

Me: Lake Lucerne in Bainbridge. It’s where I grew up.

S: Growing up there musta been a good time! (pet peeve: the word “musta.” you know, since it’s not one.)

Me: It was the best:)

S: That lake is pretty nice too! (ok, getting exhausted by all the exclamation points now. but then he dropped the bomb …) I get a feeling like there is a lot of “swinging” that goes on w/ the adults. Everyone crushes bud lights and plays corn hole. It’s a big party.

Ok, FIRST OF ALL, seeing as I was a kid there, I definitely had parents there, too, and certainly don’t want to be imagining them participating in a swinger party. Disgusting.

Secondly, Bud Lights+Cornhole=Swingers? I thought that meant frat house, or camping, or pretty much my entire college experience. On the college note, I now get how Bud Lights and cornhole can involve a healthy amount of sleeping around, but swinging? Probs not. 

Hopefully he wasn’t trying to tarnish my idyllic, utopian childhood memories of the place, with the image of my parents and neighbors at a nudie block party swapping spit with each other like Pokemon cards and Pogs, playing games like cornhole and “who’s in my mouth.” To be fair, I never considered moving back to my old neighborhood much before anyway. But after a comment like that, consider my interest piqued.

Stay sexy, Lake Lucerne.

But Sam, stop it.

Jason

From Buzzfeed’s list of “17 Made-Up Words all 20-somethings Need to Start Using”

#5.) Tonirl (Toe-Nurl)

Someone who you’d swipe right on Tinder, but wouldn’t waste your time with if you met them in a bar. From the acronym, “Tinder only. Not in real life.”

So, basically all the people on Tinder are Tonirls. Particularly Jason, 30.

About Jason:

-I bet I can make you laugh. Try me. I love to laugh. Well, Jason, you did it. I’m laughing. Oh, you meant WITH you?

-I like having a good fun time but also spending good quality time together. Wild and crazy party days are in the past. That’s good, Jason. That’s really good. 

-Family and friends are important. Shutup this is Tinder

-Crossfit is awesome! Should have immediately swiped left here, as I typically do after any and all mentions of Crossfit, particularly involving exclamation points, unless there is a topless profile photo indicating it could be love. Taking photos and photoshop for hobby. Read: “Mom approved.” Love to travel, camping, and the outdoors. He uses an oxford comma. One more strike, buddy, and you’re totally out.

-Was in the army for 7 years. Love my career in IT. Talk nerdy to me.

-Don’t let a small distance scare you. Nope

-No hookups or flings. Dealbreaker

::Swipe right:: dammit.

J: Hello Emma. I usually message right away but was in Indiana with family and knew you would see I was 300 miles away and didn’t want you running for the hills because of distance. I live in Norwalk and work in Sandusky. I am going to be a little bias and tell you I am probably the biggest gentleman on Tinder. I won’t send any inappropriate pics or msgs. I truly want to meet somebody and know how to show and give love to the right person. Let me know if this all sounds good so far. Not the conventional way to open conversation but Tinder is not the conventional way to meet people.

A few things are going on here that led me to absofuckinglutely not respond to this douche. Let’s put aside the bio for now, that’s been addressed. Obviously I did not heed the glaring warning signs there, anyway.

Here’s what Jason said and what it actually means:

I work in Sandusky = I work at Cedar Point. Possibly around greasy food, definitely around greasy people.

I am probably the biggest gentleman on Tinder = I’m a pussy.

I won’t send any inappropriate pics or msgs = I am not the guy for you.

I know how to show and give love to the right person = the right person, so far, has only been my mom.

Tinder is not the conventional way to meet people = I really don’t know how this whole Tindernet works, but I’m ready to lose my virginity so I thought I’d give this a try.

Wes

W: So, if you don’t message first I’m assuming you don’t make the first move either? So  if I have a Cooler Ranch Dorito sitting on my lip you wouldn’t swoop in, get the chip and a little lip?

Um. Perfect. Aside from being a little bit frightened by the fact that he so quickly zoned in on the fact that I LOVE Doritos so much without me ever telling him, he also presented the most puzzling conversation starter I’ve yet to see. Is he funny? Is he weird? Does he ask everyone the same question and just go in assuming they love Cooler Ranch Doritos? That last one’s not possible — he can’t have asked this question before seeing as he’s still single.

Me: I’d like to say no, I wouldn’t. But Cooler Ranch Doritos tho …

Wes: Right answer. I’m employed, have a car, am considering getting a cat, live on my own and tend to be a great time regularly. What are you bringing to the table?

::challenge accepted::

Me: I too am employed, I have a car, no pets, I brush my teeth and hair twice a day (lie).

W: You are in great shape. You better not be vegan.

Ugh, dammit. This guy keeps getting better and better. No, in fact, I am not vegan. It was at this point that I tried to counter his compliment with a story about how I was catfishing him and am actually 250 pounds of flabby weakness. Rather than run in terror or say something horribly insulting, he offered me candy. What. a gentleman. 

Points off for being a ginger, but otherwise Wes, so far so good. Will update when things turn bad.

In the news

Apparently others have had some equally (if not more) wonderful experiences as I have on this delightful little application. Here is a little bit of Tinder in the news, brought to you by Buzzfeed and all it’s listy gloriousness.

 

http://www.buzzfeed.com/lukebailey/lol-tinder

“I met a up with a girl so we could watch Frozen together.

We actually watched Frozen together. She was disappointed and I was mesmerized, I’d never seen that shit before.”

She didn’t like Frozen?! Let her go.

 

http://www.buzzfeed.com/rossalynwarren/best-worst-and-weirdest-messages-tinder

“If you were a food you’d be Greek yogurt, know why?
Seven years bad luck if you don’t ask why!!!!”

“Why??!?!?!”

“Because I fucking love Greek yogurt.”

… a man after my own heart.

 

http://www.buzzfeed.com/lukebailey/things-people-say-about-tinder-defined

“31. Yeah, I’ve got a few matches I haven’t messaged yet = I used it while drunk, and dramatically lowered my standards.”

The struggle is real.

 

Up next: the dollface who asked me if he had a cool ranch dorito on his lip, would I “swoop in, get the chip and a little lip?”

Ryan

I feel I should preface this with the fact that, according to Ryan’s bio, he is a personal trainer who hangs out about 108 miles away from me in an unspecified direction. He has four photos, all of which are topless selfies but for the last one, which is a pet selfie. He not only has a tiny dog, but he takes photos with it. He is orange-tan, peanut-headed in proportion to his ‘roided out frame, his hair is perfectly gelled in each photo (leading me to believe he went to the gym those days not to work up a sweat or do anything productive other than to take pictures standing in front of the weight rack — that, or he showered and “got ready” afterwards so he could snap those shots) and he’s super hot in that I’m-a-shithead-and-I-know-it way you can always find milling around gyms these days. He does earn points, however, for not having a flat-ironed bandana wrapped around his forehead, as douches of his nature typically do. Now that you have some context …

R: You’re so attractive
Me: Thank you:) (yes, i used an emoji. don’t hate)
R: Tell me a secret Emma
Me: You first
R: I have a hidden piercing.

That was the end of our interaction, for obvious reasons. If you’re going to tell me about your dick ring from 108 miles away and expect me to think you’re actually here for “friendship” and “maybe something more” I’m going to a.) Unmatch your ass, and b.) Do it before i ever tell you anything about myself, ever.

Stop it, Jake.

PS If the piercing is real, Jake, take it out because ew. If the piercing is not real, Jake, stop telling people you have a self-inflicted hole through your pole. It’s not sexy and it’ll get your Tinder flame stomped the fuck right out.

Matthew

First of all, this guy led with “I’m a doctor.” You, sir, have piqued my interest. Tell me more. “A veterenarian.” Ooookay should have stopped at doctor. An animal doctor is the medical equivalent of, like, a dentist, or chiropractor, or a massage therapist. Read: not a real doctor. If you can’t prescribe me mood altering/pain relieving/euphoria inducing drugs you can an least lie by omission and lead me to believe you can.

M: Today was a lot of running. Luckily no major disasters. Crazy neighbor problems, but no puppy mama drama
Me: Do you really have a puppy mama
M: No. Both my bitches r spayed virgins

Ok, there are a few things wrong here. Not only did Mr. Matt use the phrase “puppy mama”* incorrectly, but who talks about animals like that? Like sexual objects? Oh, your bitches are spayed virgins? Tell me more about how you are only on Tinder out of curiosity and definitely not because you can’t have meaningful face-to-face interactions with anyone with less than four legs. And I may be going out on a limb here, but I’d bet any virgin that’s ever walked into an interaction with you probably walked out one, too, so don’t use that tone with me, mister. You are obviously into beastiality. Cue the part where I remind Matthew that pets are not people and dogs are not children and the fact that there was no puppy mama drama today means that sometimes there is and that’s fucking stupid.

Me: Tells M about a report I recently finished at work covering trends in the wood-plastic composite and plastic lumber industry
M: I prefer the feel of natural wood

Yea, I bet you do.
Stop it, Matthew.

*I take it to mean he bought a dog with a woman who is no longer his girlfriend or wife but they now share custody of said dog … not that his dog has a mother. All dogs have mothers. And if that was what puppy mama meant then why on earth would anyone have any puppy mama drama. Like, ever.

Joe

J: You’re very pretty
Me: Thank you, Joe
J: First girl I met on here was a guy
Me: Oh god
J: I never met him or her. I figured it out when he wouldn’t text me and he said “Well really I’m a guy”

J: Well if you like me enough maybe we can do a casino trip to Vegas or AC or Bahamas

J: When’s your birthday?
Me: August
J: Let’s get muddy

Joe is 50. How we matched I have no idea. Perhaps I swiped right in some sort of singledom-induced blackout. I talked to him on that day to see if he wouldn’t say something hilariously inappropriate that I could tell all my friends about, but aside from offering to buy my entrance to a Tough Mudder race for my birthday (after I expertly diverted the “Let’s get muddy” comment into my before-i’m-30 bucket list goal of completing the 10-mile obstacle race) and suggesting we name our team “My Sweet Emma,” not much came of it. Until a few days later, after some much appreciated radio silence from old Joey Vegas, the topless, sweaty, reddened, nipply torso photo came through, followed by the word … “Hi.”

Stop it, Joe.
Blocked.

Paul

The day: Tuesday
The place: I haven’t gone out with Paul yet. I’ll be meeting him for dinner soon. But we’ve been chatting and I’ve learned many interesting things about him already.

1. He has never been on the smash hit TV show “To Catch a Predator”
2. He is not an internationally-known rapist. He’s not even a locally-known rapist. He’s not even a rapist
3. He still has both feet due to no diabetes
4. He is not married

With qualities like that, I actually do wonder why he’s on an app like this. Dating goldmine, ladies.

Jake

Me: What are you up to?
J: Work, and then smoke some crack … I’m the mayor of Toronto.

 

No you are fucking not. I have/will not be going out with Rob For- er, Jake.

Chris

The day: Saturday
The place: Fairmount Wine & Martini Bar

Chris is in town visiting his mother, though he currently lives in Brisbane, Australia. He will be returning there next week. I’m looking forward to it. My father is Australian, like Chris’s daddy-o, which led into him saying “That’s the Australian in you talking,” every time I said something that was, apparently, Australian-sounding; like “I have tattoos,” or “I’ll take a vodka soda.”

1. He told me to wear something tight.
2. He’ll walk 3 miles each way for 3 beers and 1 shot, he said.
3. Drank 4 white wines to my 2 small vodka drinks.
4. Said he’d never taken a selfie before. Took a selfie on the date.
5. Said he could beat me in Jeopardy, followed by insisting I Google some Jeopardy questions for him to answer.
6. C: “I’m going to kiss you” *leans in*
Me: “Omigod no stop” *hastily covers mouth with hand*
C: “Why not? You’re chewing gum. That’s getting ready for a kiss”
Me: *hastily spits gum onto patio floor*

The day: Tuesday
The place: Panini’s on Coventry

Because I am a glutton for punishment, or some sort of weird social masochist, I agreed to meet Chris for the second half of the Tim Howard vs BEL World Cup game. I arrived and he was drunk, smoking like a chimney, sweating like a whore in church. It was otherwise fine until …

Chris said that soccer and football were very similar because they both have “plays.” Plays that often consist of team members looking for a hole to score through.

Yep. So pretty much every organized team sport on the planet is just like football. #shitammericanssay

Stop it, Chris.